Small Seeds

I have to confess I didn’t like you much the first time I heard about you and when I met you I liked you even less.  I can’t say my second interaction did much to improve my opinion.  They can dress you up in medical jargon but it doesn’t change what you are: a killer, a destroyer and a thief.  Experts would say that somewhere within the brain proteins are malfunctioning and synapse are breaking down.  That’s informative but it doesn’t begin to encompass what I saw as I watched a friend in a battle to help her family cope with illness. 

Alzheimer’s is horrific.

I got off the phone and reached for my bible.  Overwhelmed and sad, I looked for comfort, flipping through the pages looking at highlighted verses trying to find something to turn back the darkness that was swallowing a friend.  That’s when I saw the verse in Thessalonians, 

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.  1 Thess 5:16-18     

There are some scriptures I get along with.  I love them, I quote them and I bask in the light they bring to my soul.  Then there are others that get right up my nose and make me angry.  This is one of them.  I went from sad to vexed in about half a second.  Why is it, that devotional time is always described as pleasant, uplifting and inspiring?  Specifically, what is wrong with me that some days spending time with my bible makes me want to scream at heaven and punch something?  It’s not good.  At that moment, Beth Moore, Francis Chan or Carter Conlon could have come through my door to encourage me and I would have grabbed a bible and hit them with it. 

I called my friend back.

God is merciful to sinners.  I explained I was feeling powerless and getting caught in a trap.  We are called to rejoice in difficulty.  In my ridiculous mind, I think that if I spend enough time in prayer, I can get spiritual enough to turn suffering into something beautiful. 

I can’t. 

Suffering is suffering and anyone who tells you otherwise is stupid. 

I apologized and asked if we could pray together.  “But this time, let’s try to add thankfulness to the suffering.  Is there anything to be thankful for?  It doesn't matter if it is little, we can use anything. ”

What unfolded was the most precious prayer time.  We were able to carve out places and some of them were tiny, where she saw God.  Where God was kind, and merciful and even lovely. 

I want to share some of our prayers with you friend, because I want you to understand how small the seed of thankfulness can be.  Not everything in our prayer life is beautiful and elaborate.  Sometimes I am gritting my teeth and grasping for straws.  Anything, anyway, to give God the praise he is due and turn the tide in my angry heart.

We started small.

“Father God,

I bring you this circumstance.  I confess that I would give anything not to be here.  I’m so upset, so angry that you are making me walk through this.  I want to be delivered out of this.  I don’t want to do it.  I thank you I can be angry and you still love me.

Thank you that I didn’t have to wait at the pharmacy and the pharmacist was kind.  Thank you for the drug coverage.  That coffee shop was a nice place to stop Jesus, thank you for the flower on my hot chocolate.  I pray you would bless that young man’s coffee art.  I was pleased that when I came home, the dog was happy to see me.  Thank you that when the dog threw up, he did it on the lino and not the carpet…….”

And on we went.  The prayers became more insightful. We laughed through some of it, we cried through other parts.  What grew in that prayer time was a genuine thankfulness for many who were in the trenches giving care, courageously walking though pain and sorrow.  It was still awful, but God was there.

God is still here dear friend.

Lord Jesus,

I ask that you would be with all of us who are walking the season of sorrow.  Show us where you are Lord God, in the midst of the trial.  Lord, many have disappointed hearts, because you did not answer our prayers the way we asked.  You have entrusted us with disappointment.  Heal our hearts Father God and bring us closer to you.  Help, because we are weak and small.  Have mercy, because we are broken.  Give us eyes to see little things, little blessings.  Help us add thankfulness to our prayers.  Help us to rejoice.

For we ask it in Jesus name.

xoxKaren