Checks and Balances

Fall is my favorite time of year: family walks, foggy mornings, and falling leaves are special memories of the season.  After summer travel, fall offers a chance for my schedule to resume its structure.  I live life alongside a few close friends and in fall I can once again invite myself over on a regular basis to share tea and time together.  It makes me happy. This September however, someone put my life on fast forward and as soon as I figure out who did, I going to accidentally bumper smooch them with my minivan.

I thought I was catching a break a fortnight ago, when I managed a week without needing to medicate any family members.  I figured our crisis were behind us until my better half asked for Tylenol.  When questioned, my concerns were dismissed with a measured amount of nonchalance.  “I’ll be okay.“ He alleged.  “I’m going to wait it out a bit.”  In hindsight, I should have taken him out behind the barn and shot him right then.

(Not true Man of Mine! I would never get rid of you.  You are everything to me and aside from that, we don’t have a barn.)

By Wednesday, my guy was down for the count and by Thursday, we were dealing with a crisis.  By Friday, there were reactions to medication and by Saturday I was desperate.  I called everyone I knew to get counsel, professional and nonprofessional alike, and by that evening I had a plan together.  Sunday was awful but Monday held hope that the situation was going to turn.  If your spouse or loved one has ever been in pain, you understand how nerve wracking it can be. It’s really difficult.

I have to confess though, I was at my care-giving best.  Every fourth and sixth hour, I brought my husband his medication.  I was a symphony of attentiveness.  I fetched water, cold packs, and hot water bottles.  I even gave the man a bell to ring.  But as things got more complicated, I had 4 medications to dispense and I needed to write things down.  I hadn’t slept for more than 3 hours at a time since this whole mess started and I wasn’t at my decision making prime.  Writing a medication schedule, I got a friend to check it and posted it on the wall.  I set my phone alarm to the correct intervals and had everything ready to go.  I was organizing the chaos, conquering the storm, rocking the casbah, or something to that effect.   

My alarm would sound, I’d look at schedule, grab the pills from the corresponding bottle, wake my patient, give him water and drugs, and waltz back to the couch where I kept vigil.  It worked really well.  We were six days into our drug marathon when I awoke at 3:30 am.  My symphony of care was about to hit an off note.  I remember thinking, “I am so tired I could vomit,” the minute the crickets in my phone started chirping.  My feet felt like they were on backwards as I staggered from the couch to our bedroom to check on my husband.  Standing by the bedside for a while, I tried to remember what I was doing.   Drugs, yes that was it.  It was time for his medication.  I looked at the schedule with my flashlight, stuck the pills in a container and awoke my sleeping beauty. 

I still have no good explanation for what happened next, no matter how many times I go over it. He sat up in bed and put his hand out for the pills.  I placed them in his hand and passed him a glass of water. 

“Love you,” he murmured.

“Back at you, hush up and take these,” I handed him 3 pills. 

“Honey,” he replied without missing a beat, “you’ve given me these before.  I already took these.”  

I stared at him blankly.  I looked at my chart, his outstretched hand and the pills.  I didn’t say a word.

The secrets of nursing have been passed down orally throughout the ages. More recently, science has proven that listening to a patient that is stoned out of his tree on painkillers is not a good idea.  A sensible caregiver would have said, “Darling, I have given you these pills every 6 hours for a week.  Yes, you have taken them before.  Don’t worry.  I’ve got it.  Take these and back to sleep.”  A competent caregiver would have provided the right medication, support and direction.

That is not what I did… not even close.

“Really?” I asked.  “I gave you these before?”

“Yep.” He replied. “No worry.”

“Hold on then.”  I looked at my chart, perplexed.  I could have sworn I was doing this right.  Yet, I was being told by my oxycodone snarfing counterpart that I was handing him the wrong combination of meds.  “Okay,” I replied, coming up with plan B, “here take this…” 

And this my friend is where it gets amazing.

I picked a random bottle off the bedside table, took out a pill and handed it to my husband.  I didn’t read the bottle, I didn’t look at the chart, I have no idea what drug it was.  It could well have been the one that caused an allergic reaction.  I put placed it in his hand…

“Wow, I’m sorry darling.  Here take this.  I must be tired.” I apologized and handed him a blue pill.

“No problem babe,” said my high as a kite mate. “That’s why we have checks and balances.”  He gave me a fist bump, “Checks and balances!” He rolled over and was off to sleep, snoring, dreaming of walruses and toaster strudel.  

Confused, I plodded back down the hall and put myself to sleep. 

My next alarm went off at 5:30am and when it did, I remembered what I had done.  Panicked, I ran to the room to see if I really had abandoned my schedule….and if I had killed my husband.  That had me fairly concerned.  Yes, there were the correct meds, undigested in a dish.  But what had I given him?  No clue.  I was utterly amazed.  What had I been thinking?  What on earth was I doing?

This my dear friend, is what I have been ruminating on for two weeks.  The situation got me thinking.  Some of you have been under great stress for a prolonged period of time.  You are overtired, burned out, and are pretty close to the end of your rope. There isn’t any point in discussing things anymore, because you left the realm of sensible ages ago and you don’t show any sign of coming back soon.

I expect if I asked you when you last felt God was in control of your situation, you would direct me to a time before storm clouds gathered on your horizon.  Perhaps you would tell me about a special time of prayer, where you felt certain God was faithful and trustworthy.  Some of you might even be able to quote a specific verse you felt was significant, bringing you comfort and hope.  Maybe you look back on that scripture and wonder what has happened since.  Why God has become quiet as you have run out of resources to fix your situation. 

If this is you dear friend, my heart goes out to you.  I have been there.  Many are there with you.  Friend, please listen, in this time of crisis you have got to stick to the written word.  Don’t let fatigue and confusion pull you from your confidence in God’s care.  Don’t abandon your faith, because you don’t have all the answers.  Don’t give up on the Lord because he is for you, not against.   

Who among you fears the LORD and obeys the voice of his servant? Let him who walks in darkness and has no light trust in the name of the LORD and rely on his God. Isaiah 50:10

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.  I will say to the LORD, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”  Psalms 91:1,2

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.  Proverbs 3:5,6

When pressure increases, we are to stand with the word of God and resist the temptation to accuse God of negligence.  The truths of scripture can act as the checks and balances against our human tendency toward unbelief and fear.  Try wielding the word of God this week.  Pull out a 3x5 card and write your favorite scripture on it.  Carry it with you and meditate upon it at every opportunity.  Get prayer on the difficult days.  The promises of God do help in hard times.   God will see you through.  

I’m praying for you this week,

xoxKaren