Past Pain and Eternal Gain

I don’t remember how I managed to knock my hair straightener into the toilet but I believe it took skill.  Sitting on the floor in the dark meant I only heard it happen but I know it was my fault. I was looking for solitude in my 5x7 foot kingdom when my back managed to snag the cord as I slid down the cabinet on the way to the ground.  My makeup bag hit the floor and when I raised my hand to protect my head I accidentally knocked it into the potty.  I couldn’t have replicated the maneuver with the lights on, so I cheered first, swore second and threw the silly thing in the sink or somewhere there about.

It was spa therapy time.  Or it would be when I stopped crying and crawled into the shower.  My most pressing need was a tissue for my nose.  I grabbed to toilet roll and sat on the floor sobbing, “Lord you have got to be enough.  I do not want to go down this road again. Please, please, please, keep me in your truth.  I cannot keep failing at this.”  That last statement was untrue, I could keep failing but this time I really didn’t want too.  I wanted a win.

Ask my family and they will tell you I’m not a materialistic person.  I have never wanted jewelry, dishware or cars.  It’s all I can do to keep my wardrobe 5 years behind current fashion standards.  I hate shopping and am indecisive to a fault.  When I leave to buy groceries, my husband will stop what he is doing to fetch his phone.  He does this because inevitably I will call him half a dozen times during my outing.  He is my on-call-shopping- support-buddy.  He will tell you I am his shopping-tormentor but youngest children are prone to drama, so you can ignore him. 

Point is, I hate buying things because I couldn’t care less: which made my love for a certain green chaise-lounge in the furniture store all the more strange.  The second I saw it, I loved it.  Over-sized, gigantic and fabulously comfortable, my man and I agreed on the purchase immediately. The whole shopping trip took about 20 minutes.  We paid and left with our new couch and chair. 

How I loved that chair.  It was awesome.  I sat in it, slept on it, nursed my babies and essentially lived in that chair for 3 years. It made me happy.  Then life got complicated.  Bad things happened and my chair went into storage for 5 years.  Then life got even more complicated.  I’m leaving out a few details here but when the dust settled, I chose to give away my chair because I didn’t have room for it in our new home.  I did it willingly, but after it was gone I went home and cried.

That was my season of loss.  Years later, I still lack the ability to speak about it. It was the first time in my life I was utterly outclassed by the situations we faced.  I learned about brokenness, humiliation and loss.  Sometimes, life happens and you are never the same. 

So last Saturday when I got a call asking if I wanted my chair back you would think I’d be thrilled.  I almost was.  As the offer took shape, I realized that I didn’t have room for my old awesome chair.  There was literally no place to put it and figuratively, I couldn’t face it again.  I could not bear to face what was once mine and to look over all I had lost.  Somehow, I had to let it go and move forward.

I sat on my bathroom floor, tears running silently down my face.  Toilet water in my hair from the stupid straightener because I’d chucked it without drying it. I cried because I wanted my old life back. And I cried because no matter how badly I wanted it, it was gone.  Somehow, in this place of loss, I needed God to stop me from crashing into a pit of sorrow.

I thought about my chair.  Give thanks in all things.  I’m not happy I can’t have it back.  It seems like a sick joke.  Irony: not the good kind.  In everything give thanks  I thought some more.  Why do you love that chair so much?  Easy answer: because that is where I became a Mum.  A spark of thanks.  The countless nights we cuddled in that chair.  Perfect toes, tiny hands, hair that smelled like milk.  Thank you for my babies.  Thank you for the amazing work you did in my heart.  Thank you for the hours in that chair.  God changed who I was.  You remade my character. Therapy can’t do that.  I learned how to love my husband.  I would sit in that chair at 3:00 in the morning and watch him leave at 5:00.  Always so faithful, always kissing my head and locking the door behind him.  Thank you for my husband.  Thank you for love that is eternal. I prayed and thanked God for anything I could think of.

I’m not saying it was a pretty victory.  It was fairly awful:  tears, hiccups and gasping.  But somewhere in it, I realized it wasn’t the chair I prized, it was the work God did in my heart.  God took my self-focused life and turned it toward my children. My love for my girls is God given and God created.  Only the Lord can make beautiful things like that.  God’s craftsmanship lasts forever, chairs don’t.  My eyes had caught on the external that would perish, instead of the eternal which will follow me home.

A wedding ring from a failed marriage sits in a jewelry box.  No one can be thankful for a failed marriage.  How do you give thanks and let go?  A spouse can  be thankful for the love they had.  The knowledge of how a love dies is invaluable as it teaches us how to love unconditionally.  Betrayal leads us straight into the arms of the Lord, and he bestows tiny priceless moments of sweetness in our sorrow.  Sorrow is a strong teacher, how much have you learned through your divorce?  Do you possess comfort to share with others?  Here is your ground of thankfulness. 

A friend has in her wardrobe a beautiful dress bought on her honeymoon.  It is soft, lace and just a bit too revealing. Her husband adored her in it.  This was years before surgery came and changed her form.  It is a reminder of beautiful intimacy, yet it brings tears to her eyes when she catches sight of the mauve sleeve beneath her countless tee-shirts.   The pain in her chest is all too real.  Yet here lies an opportunity to be thankful for two hearts knit together, the joy of skin against skin.  The love of youth that warms the heart as age descends, is ground for thankfulness in even that place.

My dear friend, do you possess a relic?  An item that reminds you of past loss and present pain?  Consider the love behind the item.  Struggle in prayer to discern what eternal truth holds your heart to the object.  Ask the Lord for wisdom.  Then pray it through.  Find your ground for thankfulness.  Our God is alive and able to free you from your past, your pain and your possessions.  As you gain understanding, the eternal will become your valued treasure and the temporal can slip quietly away. 

God loves you tenderly.

Xox Karen

Sweet Things

Hello Friend!

How are you? It was the week of birthdays in my world. I know of at least 10 and I celebrated 3 or 4.  Hurray for birthday cake!  The largest celebration was organized by a friend for our girlfriends’ 50^th.  She delegated like a professional; everyone knew what they were doing.  I was in charge of desserts.  Pleased with the assignment, I arranged my week so Thursday morning would be free from distraction.  The world would ignore me while I reciprocated, playing in my kitchen, changing simple ingredients into sugar infused tokens of affection.  It was to be a delightful time of baking and bonding with my children.

Except it wasn’t.

March weather is unpredictable in the Pacific Northwest and this year has been no exception.  Sunny and warm one minute, hailing and icy the next, we have learned to dress for a range of temperatures.  I awoke to a patch of sunshine on Thursday, which got swallowed by an ominous grey sky.   

The gathering grey ushered in a wind that gained momentum.  I peered out the window to ensure all the trees were standing.  After making my tea, I took advantage of the quiet and prepared the kitchen.  I sang to myself as I pulled ingredients from my pantry, recipes from my phone and lists from my email.   Picking up the pace, I threw together a brownie batter.  If I had looked outside again, I might have noticed the trees swing dancing and dipping low. 

My reverie was broken by a crash, as every appliance and light in the flat went out.  I waited for the power to return but it didn’t.  Fiddle. As the minutes passed I realized I needed to come up with a plan; I was deep into baking with no electricity and limited time. 

Two options presented themselves.  I could break into the house of a friend who was away and hijack her kitchen, or invade the house of the party-planner and share my mayhem.  I chose the latter.  As I packed my things into laundry baskets I felt exasperated.  I had planned my party preparation around this block of time and the unexpected was interfering with my schedule.

Has the unexpected ever disturbed you my friend?

There are so many ways the unexpected comes knocking: a pregnancy, a death, or an accident make us fearful and prone to panic.  When the unexpected happens we must remember the Lord is not caught unaware.  

We pray our troubles would be resolved quickly.  Many hide their struggles, unwilling to admit their pain and confusion. They attend church, socialize with friends and are perversely committed to keeping their suffering a secret.  By doing so, their time of trial becomes more painful.  They are cut off from the comfort community can provide.  When trouble hits, we need the faith of others to keep our spirit strong and despair at bay.  

If you are hiding your struggle from those who love you, could I ask you a question.  Why?  Why is it so important that no one knows your pain?  Do you think heaven awards extra points for those don't need the prayers of others?  Perhaps you are forsaking genuine relationship for self image.  Consider you behavior my friend, examine your heart.  

If you are in a stormy season, I want to remind you the breaking process is precious to God.  It has great value in the kingdom.  I assure you the Lord hears your petitions.  We serve a God who sees. The Lord is interested in walking us through our discomfort to teach us a deeper trust in his character and kindness.  We want immediate deliverance; God wants intimate dialogue.  Such schooling isn’t for the faint of heart.

If you are one of those with a trembling faith, might I encourage you this week to continue praying. You might be frightened and uncertain but persevere.  This season will not destroy you.  Though everything around you is groaning and straining, the Lord promises he will walk you through your troubles.  Just as the trees outside my house stopped pitching about in the wind, so too will the tempest that rages around you. 

The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all.  Psalm 34:17-19  

Half an hour later, I finished packing my baking supplies into boxes when the power kicked back on.  Both pleased and cross, I texted my long suffering friend and cancelled the invasion.  Turning on the music, I resumed party preparations in earnest.  I had no explanation for the morning’s events. Instead I focused on navigating the next few hours in front of me. 

Sometimes life is like that; a struggle to do the next right thing as one incomprehensible event transpires after another. If this sounds familiar, you are in good company.  But if you continue to pray it through and stay honest in the struggle, in time you will manage your way through the misfortune.  Moreover the Lord will support you with his strength and produce a sweetness in your character you could never imagine. 

Don't give up.  Keep standing.

I’m praying for you this week,

Xox Karen                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

Blooming With My Boots On

  

Darling Friend,

How I’ve missed you!  I know that is my regular greeting but I do wish you were here.  The blossom started this week and though it has been insanely soggy, I have had strange desires to don my boots and go smooshing through puddles.  I imagine we would take ourselves on a walk.  We could go on an epic waddle though soggy streets to the nearest coffee shop.  We would drink hot chocolate because we could afford the calories and feel righteous as we watched shoppers drive from store to store in order to stay dry. 

Yes, I am still living the simple life. :)

Except life is rarely simple.  Tomorrow, as you read this, I will venture downtown on an epic journey! I don’t think it is going to be pretty.  The population of the entire planet is expected to descend upon 5 square miles of the city.  (Slight exaggeration)  I have spent an hour drinking tea, staring at road maps, trying to figure out my navigational options.  My best plan so far is to get to arrive at my destination and then “accidentally” drive 400ft up a one way street to get to my reserved parking spot.  I’ve toyed with the idea of driving backward down the street but somehow, intentionally driving up the one way road seems a more honest way to break the rules. 

My second best plan involves driving through an area reserved for municipal vehicles and asking for help when someone finally realizes what I’m doing.  I’m conflicted because neither plan seems wise, but I have a mere 400ft to cover and no clue of how to bridge the gap.  Have you ever experienced something similar?  I’m already anxious and asking for God to be merciful. 

I’m certain I’m not alone.  Attending a meeting this week, I was made aware of a situation in our community that needs a solution.  The women involved had meticulously researched options to remedy the situation.  After countless hours of dedication, the answer has still not arrived and they are waiting to see which of their efforts will herald the resolution.  Prayerfully waiting, I hasten to add.

It was at the meeting I realized, I have no appreciation of life’s trials.  I don’t enjoy the process of working out a solution.  Don’t misunderstand me, problem solving is enjoyable, but I prefer it when the results are immediate.  Its human nature I expect, but the results of such an attitude are deadly.  It got me to thinking of bible stories that took decades to resolve.  Below are directions given by Moses to the Israelites in an admonition not to forget the Lord as they settled into a new land.  An examination of this warning, can give us insights to our own attitudes and trials. 

Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. 3 He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your ancestors had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. 4 Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. 5 Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the Lord your God disciplines you. Deut 8: 2-5

Though I haven’t wandered around a desert, I have spent time uncertain of my direction, unclear of my purpose and dependent upon the Lord to meet the lack I was experiencing.  To my shame, I don’t think my first response has ever been to ask God in faith for the grace to get through his trial and testing.  I have, however, spent a great deal of time accusing him of neglect and denying his right to test me or send me even the mildest inconvenience. 

I’m very good at being ungrateful. When I examine verse 3 and 4 I am struck by my own outrageous demands, as if God owes me a life free from struggle.  I have been through seasons where God has caused me to want.  When I was young, I viewed shortage as a means by which God would provide an equivalent, instead of as a means by which he would expose my incorrect heart attitudes and strengthen our relationship.  As opposed to thanking him for all the mercies he bestowed and ways he met my needs when I was in my pit, I was perplexed by the lack he allowed. I denied deprivations true function, that I would come to know the Lord's sufficiency and learn to be grateful in blessing and in want.

Perhaps I will give all this a try tomorrow morning as I go on my epic adventure.  I will wake up to the birdies chirping and attempt to sing along. As I navigate closed roads, enthusiastic runners and one way streets I will thank God that I am no longer lost.  He knows where I am, where I have been and where I am going.  If I miss my road and need to walk an extra mile to get to my destination, I will hop in every puddle I meet and imagine I am a delightful albeit soggy flower, blooming with my boots on.

Praying for you this week,

xoxKaren