I don’t remember how I managed to knock my hair
straightener into the toilet but I believe it took skill. Sitting on the floor in the dark meant I only
heard it happen but I know it was my fault. I was looking for solitude in my
5x7 foot kingdom when my back managed to snag the cord as I slid down the
cabinet on the way to the ground. My makeup bag hit the floor and when I raised my hand to protect my head I
accidentally knocked it into the potty. I
couldn’t have replicated the maneuver with the lights on, so I cheered first,
swore second and threw the silly thing in the sink or somewhere there
about.
It was spa therapy time.
Or it would be when I stopped crying and crawled into the shower. My most pressing need was a tissue for my
nose. I grabbed to toilet roll and sat
on the floor sobbing, “Lord you have got to be enough. I do not want to go down this road again. Please,
please, please, keep me in your truth. I
cannot keep failing at this.” That last
statement was untrue, I could keep failing but this time I really didn’t want
too. I wanted a win.
Ask my family and they will tell you I’m not a
materialistic person. I have never
wanted jewelry, dishware or cars. It’s
all I can do to keep my wardrobe 5 years behind current fashion standards. I hate shopping and am indecisive to a
fault. When I leave to buy groceries, my
husband will stop what he is doing to fetch his phone. He does this because inevitably I will call
him half a dozen times during my outing.
He is my on-call-shopping- support-buddy. He will tell you I am his shopping-tormentor but
youngest children are prone to drama, so you can ignore him.
Point is, I hate buying things because I couldn’t care
less: which made my love for a certain green chaise-lounge in the furniture
store all the more strange. The second I
saw it, I loved it. Over-sized, gigantic
and fabulously comfortable, my man and I agreed on the purchase immediately.
The whole shopping trip took about 20 minutes.
We paid and left with our new couch and chair.
How I loved that chair.
It was awesome. I sat in it,
slept on it, nursed my babies and essentially lived in that chair for 3
years. It made me happy. Then life got complicated. Bad things happened and my chair went into storage for 5 years. Then life got even more complicated. I’m leaving out a few details here but when
the dust settled, I chose to give away my chair because I didn’t have room for it
in our new home. I did it willingly, but after it was gone I went home and cried.
That was my season of loss. Years later, I still lack the ability to speak about it. It was the first time in my life I
was utterly outclassed by the situations we faced. I learned about brokenness, humiliation and
loss. Sometimes, life happens and you are
never the same.
So last Saturday when I got a call asking if I wanted my
chair back you would think I’d be thrilled.
I almost was. As the offer took
shape, I realized that I didn’t have room for my old awesome chair. There was literally no place to put it and
figuratively, I couldn’t face it again.
I could not bear to face what was once mine and to look over all I had lost. Somehow, I had to let it go and move forward.
I sat on my bathroom floor, tears running silently
down my face. Toilet water in my hair
from the stupid straightener because I’d chucked it without drying it.
I cried because I wanted my old life back. And I cried because no matter how
badly I wanted it, it was gone. Somehow,
in this place of loss, I needed God to stop me from crashing into a pit of
sorrow.
I thought about my chair.
Give thanks in all things. I’m
not happy I can’t have it back. It seems
like a sick joke. Irony: not the good
kind. In everything give thanks I thought some more. Why do you
love that chair so much? Easy answer: because that is
where I became a Mum. A spark of
thanks. The countless nights we cuddled
in that chair. Perfect toes, tiny hands,
hair that smelled like milk. Thank you
for my babies. Thank you for the amazing
work you did in my heart. Thank you for
the hours in that chair. God changed who
I was. You remade my character. Therapy
can’t do that. I learned how to love my
husband. I would sit in that chair at
3:00 in the morning and watch him leave at 5:00. Always so faithful, always kissing my head
and locking the door behind him. Thank
you for my husband. Thank you for love
that is eternal. I prayed and thanked God for anything I could think of.
I’m not saying it was a pretty victory. It was fairly awful: tears, hiccups and gasping. But somewhere in it, I realized it wasn’t the
chair I prized, it was the work God did in my heart. God took my self-focused life and turned it
toward my children. My love for my girls is God given and God created. Only the Lord can make beautiful things like
that. God’s craftsmanship lasts forever,
chairs don’t. My eyes had caught on the
external that would perish, instead of the eternal which will follow me home.
A wedding ring from a failed marriage sits in a jewelry
box. No one can be thankful for a failed
marriage. How do you give thanks and let
go? A spouse can be thankful for the love they had. The knowledge of how a love dies is
invaluable as it teaches us how to love unconditionally. Betrayal leads us straight into the arms of
the Lord, and he bestows tiny priceless moments of sweetness in our
sorrow. Sorrow is a strong teacher, how
much have you learned through your divorce?
Do you possess comfort to share with others? Here is your ground of thankfulness.
A friend has in her wardrobe a beautiful dress bought on
her honeymoon. It is soft, lace and just
a bit too revealing. Her husband adored her in it. This was years before surgery came and
changed her form. It is a reminder of
beautiful intimacy, yet it brings tears to her eyes when she catches sight of
the mauve sleeve beneath her countless tee-shirts. The
pain in her chest is all too real. Yet
here lies an opportunity to be thankful for two hearts knit together, the joy
of skin against skin. The love of youth
that warms the heart as age descends, is ground for thankfulness in even that
place.
My dear friend, do you possess a relic? An item that reminds you of past loss and
present pain? Consider the love behind the
item. Struggle in prayer to discern what
eternal truth holds your heart to the object.
Ask the Lord for wisdom. Then
pray it through. Find your ground for
thankfulness. Our God is alive and able
to free you from your past, your pain and your possessions. As you gain understanding, the eternal will
become your valued treasure and the temporal can slip quietly away.
God loves you tenderly.
Xox Karen
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