Opinions May Vary

No idea what picture to use.  This is beautiful.

Although the conversation happened 12 years ago, I remember it clearly.  It was after dinner and I had caught, washed and corralled my children into their beds.  Pouring myself a cup of tea, I dropped on the chesterfield and sighed.  Life with littles is busy and I was anticipating the two hours of quiet I would have to myself before bed.  The phone rang.  It was the landline.  I remember because my portable phone had died so I grabbed my tea and relocated to the kitchen floor where the phone was plugged into the wall in all its prehistoric glory. 

“Hello?”

“I can’t do this.  I can’t.”  There were more words but I couldn’t make them out but I recognized the voice.  Minka was a young 20 something I had taken under my wing 3 years earlier.  We had an easy friendship, with me fulfilling the role of big sister and mentor.  It was one of those God relationships, filled with mutual affection and kindness.  “What’s happened?   Where are you?  Are you safe?”  A wave of panic passed through my body, as I listened to her sob, “Are you okay?”  When she spoke again she was shouting, “I just cannot do this!  I can’t!  I’m not smart enough, today was horrible.  My instructor told me so.  She said I’m not cut out to be a nurse, I think she might be right.”  All I could do was wait until the tears subsided.  “Breathe.  I’m here.  Tell me what happened.”    

Conversations with Minka hadn’t been easy recently.  She was enrolled in the nursing program at the local college and as a single mother school did not come easily. Almost nightly, she would check in and tell me how the day went, its challenges and her victories.  We made a big deal of her success back then because it was hard to come by.  The idea of going back to school wasn’t hers.  My husband and I had invited her to dinner several months earlier in order to talk about her future and introduce the idea of higher education.  My role then, was of cheerleader, advocate and study partner as Minka fought her way through school.  My phone bill in those days was astronomical. 

This evening though, Minka was distraught.  During her shift she had experienced the death of a patient.  The gentleman was elderly so it wasn’t a complete surprise; however the experience, unlike anything Minka had known, left her shaken.  The situation would have been manageable were it not for the instructor supervising Minka that week.  An efficient woman, this instructor had taken an instant dislike to Minka.  It wasn’t long before her dislike grew into animosity and when combined with supervisory power, the instructor pursued Minka with a hostility that bordered on abusive.  My dear friend was left to learn to tend to the needs of a corpse while her instructor let fly a constant stream of criticism and rebuke.  Her tale included such unkindness she felt utterly defeated.  “I am going to quit,” Minka declared.  “They are going to fire me anyway.”

I remember that night as significant because Minka and I had a fight that left us both in tears.  “You aren’t quitting,” I said.  “Quitting isn’t an option.  We don’t quit.  If they want to throw you out that is fine.  Let them throw you out.  That is the only option.”   For the next three months almost every conversation ended that way.  “You got through today.  You did a good job.  If they want to throw you out they can.  You didn’t quit today and you won’t quit tomorrow.”  Regardless of how many times Minka cried or told me she couldn’t do it the statement was the same.  “If they want to throw you out they can.  You aren’t quitting.”

Eventually, all the days of deciding not to quit paid off and Minka became a nurse. The unkind instructor never did manage to get her thrown out of nursing school.  It was a victory that cost us both in grey hair.  The Nursing profession has served Minka well over the years as she has raised a family and moved from coast to coast.    It was then, a bit of a surprise to be reminded of that horrible season so casually this week.  A call to Minka was followed by a series of texts the next day. 

I forgot to tell you!  I got that teaching job I applied for at the college.

What?  With the difficult people from your school days?

Yes!  Life is crazy.  You should have seen the look on the face of the instructor that tried to get me kicked out of the program when I walked into the staff room to pick up my name tag!!  It was awesome!  I was humbled.   

I would have liked to see that.

I think I would have enjoyed the story more if Minka told me she started to sing “I’m Still Standing” under her breath as she walked… no danced…. by Mrs. Troll Instructor, but in truth, gloating wasn’t necessary.  We both know she got through that season by God’s grace alone.  It was so unbearable, only he could have seen her through.

This has me thinking this week; about those who currently have to deal with people whose hearts are against you.  A short time ago, I was told by a woman that I was uptight, interventionist and a busybody.  Forty minutes later, I was told by another woman that I was thoughtful, conscientious and caring.   More perplexing was that both women were referring to the same incident. 

This is where the difficult discipline of accountability pays dividends.  Before and after the incident transpired, I had spoken to someone wiser than myself.  I asked her to correct me and to challenge my actions both before and after the incident transpired.  Having done all I could and staying accountable to someone in authority gave me the freedom to walk on.   Sometimes my friend, when someone’s heart is against you, you need to take the loss and keep moving.

Accountability isn’t fashionable these days, especially where women are concerned.  In a culture that believes everyone has a truth and all truth is subjective, moral absolutes are abhorrent.   However, for those who choose transparency and community there are few things more comforting than a friend who puts their arm around you and says, “I hear you but you blew it.  You did this part well, but this is where you fell short.”  I’m not saying that be corrected always feels good, but blessed is the woman who can admit her short comings and not stand in self-righteousness when others fail.   You either learn that everyone falls short of the mark, or you begin to believe you are better than others.  It boils down to those who want to make peace and those for whom self-righteousness is all important.   

Mockers resent correction, so they avoid the wise.  Proverbs 15:12

Listen to advice and accept discipline, and at the end you will be counted among the wise.

Proverbs 19:20

Blessed are those who find wisdom, those who gain understanding, Proverbs 3:13

Nothing says unattractive like a face that is set in accusation.  It probably gives you bad breath too. Not a Proverb.

So I am praying for those of us who are operating in the face of opposition:  praying that we will remain accountable to others for our actions as opposed to our own limited perspective.  That the opposition we face will cause us to grow in grace and compassion as opposed to self-righteousness and bitterness. That we will learn the balance between laying down our lives for others while refusing to be a doormat to those who use us ill.   And praying earnestly that where you are wounded will be healed by the Spirit of Peace.

You are amazing.  Be kind. Keep standing.

xoxKaren