Dark Days

Pulling a drawer open, I fished around trying to find my deodorant.  The towel on my head fell off, removing whatever limited visibility I had.  Between the steam, lack of glasses and a towel over my face, there was little chance I was going to find it. I sighed, my hand tapping across the counter until I found my husband’s deodorant in the corner.  Popping the lid off, I sneezed as soon as the scent hit, once, twice, three times. It wasn’t my first Old Spice morning and it probably wouldn’t be my last.  I can’t say that wearing men’s deodorant was ever a goal of mine, but when my children became young women many of my possessions developed the ability to walk and have never returned.  This morning it was my deodorant, last night it was a box of band aids.  Is nothing sacred? 

The fragrance of his deodorant made me smile as I thought of my man, but my expression turned to a frown as I remembered I hadn’t told him we needed to meet a couple that evening.  I winced.  One of my girls had a new friend and we were overdue to meet her parents, a situation that would be rectified in a few hours.  I delayed telling him until the last moment possible, which is something married couples do when they don’t want to listen to their partner’s whine.  I figured I should tell him before we got to the church.  I threw up a small prayer that we would be able to make a suitable impression after I finished my assigned job at the concert.

Getting dressed, I grabbed a necklace and ran downstairs to the kitchen.

“We need to meet someone after the concert!” I yelled down the stairs at my hero.

“What? Why? Who wants to meet us? What did you do?”

“We need to meet ----‘s parent’s.” I explained calmly, ignoring the bait.

“Do we really want to meet people who would let their child hang out with our daughter?”

“I’m not doing this,” I growled at him and turned my attention to my surroundings.  Frustration lurched its way into my consciousness as I surveyed the devastation.  Our brand new stove had died 20 days after its arrival and I was going on 3 weeks without that major appliance.  I had been living my life in the hellish space between 2 vendors, neither of who was claiming responsibility for the broken stove as my culinary creativity, patience, and faith in humanity diminished.  On my counter was a hot plate, a toaster oven, rice cooker, waffle iron and crock pot and none of those seemed to be the right weapon for throwing together a quick stir fry.  Tears welled up in my eyes and I brushed them away.  “Aarrgh!” I shouted at the stove.  From downstairs my husband offered, “It’s okay, I promise I will behave!”   “You won’t!” I countered.  Deciding a salad would be a suitable contribution; I threw it together and placed it back in the fridge.

Sinking to the floor, I tried to reason with my emotions.  This is about more than the stove, I told myself “you are feeling worn down, a couple disappointments have lined up to cause you heartache, and you are recovering from unkind actions” I went through the list of reasons why I was feeling overwhelmed but the frustration wouldn’t budge.  I sighed. Logic wasn’t working, I marched myself back upstairs to pull myself together.   

Closing the bedroom door I settled myself on the floor.  It wasn’t long before I could articulate my frustration. 

Lord, I know the world isn’t ending and I realize this might not be a big deal, but the truth is, I feel alone.  I think expected more help.  I didn’t think it would be this hard.  I hoped someone might step in, ease the burden and undertake for me.  Frankly, I’m not seeing it.  How is it that I can pour out in so many areas yet remain so alone in times of need?  You say you are my helper, but where exactly are you and if you are there, why can’t I find you?

Have you ever been there, my friend?

Perhaps you are one of those who rise up in times of crisis.  You cook meals, drive children and offer finances, always volunteering your time and resources before you are asked.  I live alongside many such women whose gifting shine in times of disease, divorce and death yet almost every of them can tell you of a time when they desperately needed comfort but their needs went unmet by those around them.  Do such experiences indicate a malfunction in the spiritual realm or are they a special lesson sent to certain saints who serve the Lord?  Rest assured there is no glitch in the matrix.

One of the largest lies in Christendom is the notion that someone who earnestly serves the Lord will not experience setbacks or unhappiness.  Yet betrayal, loneliness and illness come to all people at one time or another.  We presume that if we serve others, there will be reciprocal service when our lives derail and sometimes that is true.  But there are times when we are called to walk alone through seasons of lack and longing.  We can find no one who has the time or inclination to walk with us through our pain.  In these times, we are challenged to rest in God alone and navigate new paths of faith. 

It isn’t easy.

One of the first struggles occurs as we come to terms with the fact that the Lord doesn’t always deliver us from discomfort as quickly as we would like.  Many times, we are left in trials until our fear fades and our faith grows.  In these times of panic and uncertainty, God changes our hearts and minds, teaching us that pain is not the end of our spiritual progress but rather a season where faith becomes action based as he teaches us new behaviors.  It can be deeply uncomfortable but the retraining of our minds pays dividends for a lifetime.

Another struggle is found as we choose to believe that God sees our plight and has not left us alone.  In times of darkness, our eyes need to adjust to see the presence of God.  It is easy to thank God when a friend drops by with a timely meal, it is much harder when you are sitting alone in a hospital waiting room and no one picks up their phone. Yet it is exactly at these times that we are invited to find new ways of settling our hearts and experiencing the peace of his presence. 

Friend, if you find yourself in such a struggle can I remind you that you are not alone? God is still there. You have not failed.  You are not experiencing something strange and unusual.  You are growing in your faith and God has his eyes on you.  Every prayer is heard, so keep praying.  Though it is lonely, it will not go on forever.  You might not be able to see hope right now, but it is not lost.  God will come in his timing and lift you out of this lesson.  He will deliver you.  Do not give up.  Just do the next thing in front of you.  Keep doing the next thing until he walks you out of the situation.

I sat on my bedroom floor until I ran out of time.  Drying my eyes and fixing my makeup, I headed to the concert.  It was entirely delightful.  Soon after its completion, my daughter ran up with her friend and parents in tow.  I smiled and shook hands looking frantically around for my hubby who joined us a few moments later.  We introduced ourselves and chatted, trying to smooth out awkward corners as graciously as possible.  As time passed, I realized I still had to put equipment away, so I gave my husband a meaningful look and dismissed myself.  I figured the evening was a success on all counts.  I met my hubby in the kitchen later, in among the myriad of appliances, for a chat.

“Did your conversation with ----‘s parents go all right after I left?” I inquired.

“Oh fine.  It got a bit weird when her dad confessed they wanted to meet us to see if we were safe people.”

“He said that straight out?” I asked somewhat incredulously.  “Good for him!  What did you say?”

“I told him that I didn’t trust you as far as I could throw you and that there were still 4 bodies in the back yard you couldn’t account for.  I suggested he think twice before letting her come over.”

“You did not.”

“Yep.  I totally did.  Her mum thought it was really funny.  She was laughing pretty hard.  He just smiled and looked kind of concerned.”

“You expect our children will ever have friends with a father like you?”

“I expect our children will be resilient, that they will not take anything too seriously and that they will know that I love them forever and to hold that knowledge in their hearts no matter what happens.”

“Amen.”

I am praying that as your eyes adjust to the dark, you will be able to perceive the presence of your unchanging God, who loves you fiercely and is undertaking on your behalf. 

xoxKaren