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| The crucible of waiting, there is no substitute for the lessons learned in the fire. |
I figured I was heading into a rough week when the cockatiel took a nose dive into the takeout. In
fairness, it wasn’t his fault. A slip of
a serving spoon and a quick jolt to catch it meant the little fellow was negotiating his rice allowance one moment and the next was knocked off his feet and slathered
in a liberal amount of butter chicken sauce.
Few things are harder than catching a spooked, tandoori dipped bird as
he runs across a carpet leaving little red foot mark stains. Cockatiels can perform surprisingly complex
evasive patterns for an animal with a brain the size of a popcorn kernel. Movie night experienced an enforced
intermission as I took him into the shower to get clean. Tried to get him clean, I should
clarify. By the time I turned on the
water he was pretty cross and more interested in sampling his feathers than
cleaning them. This left me, trying to
direct the shower spray onto his tiny frame and dodging any of his attempts to
run up my arm and hide his buttery body in my hair.
Events like this leave me wary, so I started the week with
caution: double checking emails before I sent them, reading and rereading my
calendar to ensure I was on time to scheduled events. When I made it to
Wednesday without any major feat of stupidity I felt relieved and let my guard
down. That was a mistake.
Wednesdays are busy days with classes to attend, people to
visit and chairs to move. The day
crashes like a wave on a summer shoreline, filled with a kinetic energy that
keeps me running. Community life
involves the sharing of information and sometimes, I get overwhelmed by the
sheer amount of talking that is required to get through the day. It is both enjoyable and exhausting which is
why by 6:30 pm on a Wednesday you can generally find me taking a 40 minute
power nap.
This particular Wednesday however, I was determined to
appear well balanced and helpful as I was meeting a substitute teacher who was
stepping into afternoon classes for an absent teacher. Memorizing the relevant emails, I was
prepared to meet and introduce Mrs. Substitute to the minion children she would
teach. At the expected time, Mrs. Substitute
climbed over sprawled children in the halls and made her way upstairs. She was lovely. Friendly and thoughtful, she quickly went
over what she understood to be the plan for the afternoon. She appeared to have the first class plan,
but seemed to be missing the second class activities. Filled with enthusiasm, good intentions and maniacal
friendliness I explained the plan for the second class. She asked a few questions about timing, seeming
a bit perplexed. I explained pulling up
relevant emails and forwarding them as she seemed to be missing a bit of
information. Her mastery of the subject
made for easy communication and soon we were both up to speed on the shape of
the afternoon. Feeling confident I had fulfilled
my duties, I introduced her to her class and ran off to do other things.
An hour later I was back upstairs, introducing Mrs.
Substitute to class 2. The students were
buzzing with energy but gracious as they greeted this new face. As soon as everyone was in the correct room,
I excused myself to running around and making molehills into mountains and back
into molehills again. It was a good
afternoon.
After class I found Mrs. Substitute and thanked her for her
time. She was smiling and genuinely
seemed to have enjoyed her afternoon.
Have you ever noticed that some people excel when you throw them in the
deep end? There is a subset of people
who seem to have mastery of the storms.
Overexcited students, lack of resources, nothing seems to phase
them. When they are working out of their
gifting, they soar. That was Mrs.
Substitute that Wednesday. I finished up
my jobs and collapsed into the car. My
daughter drove us home, leaving me to answer a phone call that came in on the
way.
It was Mrs. Absent Teacher checking in. She had just chatted with Mrs. Substitute and
wanted to see how things went. She is
sweet like that, taking the time to ensure that everyone survived in her
absence. I assured we were all accounted
for. I was feeling relieved until I
heard her say one small phrase.
“Pardon
me?” I asked. “You broke up a bit there,
what did you say?”
“I said, I didn’t expect Mrs. Substitute to
stay for the second class, she wasn’t going to, but I’m glad she did.”
“Ummm. What do you mean she wasn’t going too
exactly?” Panic started in my stomach.
“Just
that,” she replied merrily “She wasn’t booked to stay for the second class but
she did.”
In half of a second it all made sense. Mrs. Substitute was sketchy on the plan for
the second class because she wasn’t supposed to teach it. The emails she didn’t receive weren’t sent to
her. In an instant I realized that I had
roped poor Mrs. Substitute into staying and teaching a class she hadn’t
anticipated teaching. My patient
explanations and email sharing was me assuming she was going to teach the
second class. Mrs. Substitute didn’t even
bat an eye as I completely reworked her afternoon. I expressed my dismay to Mrs. Absent teacher
who reassured me the Lord was behind it all and that what had transpired was a
good thing. I bit my tongue and did not
reply that I was getting tired of being the agent of idiocy behind His good
works. The rest of the drive home was
filled with a fair amount of groaning and self-loathing. The first thing I did when I got in the door
was put on the kettle and penned an email to Mrs. Substitute apologizing for my
general existence.
I spent a bit of wondering if I overwhelmed Mrs.
Substitute. Useless introspection but it
did get me thinking about my force of personality and considering the fact how
we behave can affect those around us. She responded a few hours later with an
entirely gracious email telling me not to worry and how much she enjoyed
herself. I fussed for a bit longer and
then decided it was time to put away my embarrassment. With the Lord’s mercy being new every
morning, I couldn’t afford to hover over it for too long as I would probably do
something daft the following day that would eclipse this event.
It actually made me thankful that God isn’t thrown off by my
strong opinions or the force of my personality.
Mostly I’m thankful; other days I find this fact plain vexing. If you have ever had to wait on the Lord, you
will know instantly what I am talking about.
“Waiting on the Lord” is a Christianese term which roughly translates “I’m
in an impossible situation that cannot be fixed without the Lord’s
intervention.” Implicit in the term is
the fact that the Lord is taking far longer than anyone expected to turn the
situation around. For those with
struggle with impatience, fear, anxiety or trust such situations are
exceptionally difficult.
I have made myself sick with worry over situations that I
could not change as I waited for the Lord to intervene on my behalf. Bible verses stating “fear not,” would mock
me each morning I came to consciousness and remembered the situation before
me. Sick with dread is a familiar term
to me and I have spent years of my life attempting to obey the words, “fear
not.” Yet no matter how I have cried,
fasted, or begged God for deliverance, nothing I have done has been able to
speed him up or to stop the work he does while I am waiting. I have a deep
appreciation for the word crucible: a situation of severe trial, or in which
different elements interact, leading to the creation of something new (google
search, pathetic citation.)
If this is where you find yourself today my dear friend,
might I remind you of something? You
might be using the force of your entire Christian self to get God to move on
your behalf. The act of waiting might
bring you to such depths of fear you can barely see your way through. My prayer is that you might understand that
God is teaching you about his sovereignty and his goodness. His intention is to burn away your fear and panic
until what is left is something entirely new.
A peace that you did not expect, an understanding you did not have and a
word of comfort you never knew. God does
not make us wait because he is unkind; he makes us wait because there is no substitution
for the process of waiting on him, powerless and dependent. It is in these fires we learn about his
kindness, faithfulness and provision.
If you are in the uncomfortable place of waiting on the
Lord, I want to remind you that it is a good place. His eye is upon you. He hears your prayers. He is by your bedside and sees the tears you
cry. Do not think you have been abandoned.
You are just waiting.
"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you."1 Peter 5:10 ESV
xoxKaren
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