Longing for my Land

Happy Birthday to my home and native land.
Ton front est ceint de fleurons glorieux!

Hello Friend! 

I’m thinking of you today as I sit under my duvet with my cup of tea and my hot water bottle and fuzzy socks…and parka.  The light in through the window is more reminiscent of fall than summer.  The rain has kept a steady rhythm for about half an hour now.  My girlfriend sent me a Canadian care package a few years back and I have dug it out this morning to keep me company.  Happy Birthday Canada, I miss you.  

Today I’m homesick.

Homesickness is easily defined as a longing for home and family, but I don’t find that definition satisfactory. I have memories of homesickness when I was little that I can still visit if I take the time.  The above definition does not convey the ache in one’s stomach and the inability to breathe that descends when homesickness strikes.  It comes with a taste in my throat and a longing that is akin to grief.  It’s horrible.

Homesickness comes with the desire to be in a place where I feel accepted.  It is the longing to have a burden lifted and to be reunited with a location that is able to erase the pain in my heart.  When I am away from my country, I feel like I am the outsider, away from those who understand me best.  The most effective way I have to combat the unwanted emotion is to imagine myself returning home, visualizing the sights and sound that greet me.

Lately though, I’m beginning to feel something more disturbing than homesickness, it’s a weariness of the enmity and conflict that accompanies my life online.  Not that I go looking for bad news, I don’t, but it seems that bad news is everywhere.  Hardly a web page opens without a broken heart taking centre stage, or the arrival of a story so egregious that it can only be described in terms of evil.  It’s making me long for heaven, not the harp playing heaven where angels eat cream cheese on clouds but the one where bad guys burn, wrongs get righted and tears get dried. 

God willing, most of us are many years from moving into an eternal home where there will be no more crying and hearts will be restored, so in the meantime it makes sense to try to figure out how to live without sobbing into my maple syrup every morning.  (Yep.  Canadians drink maple syrup every morning; it’s how we get so nice.  Our blood is liquid sugar.)  I think that might be where homesickness fits in.

If I assume that others on the planet are trying to live their lives and have somewhat similar goals (a desire to live with minimal strife and a sense of belonging) it makes sense that I would try to be mindful of others.  Though it isn’t fashionable, kindness and respect can go a long way in human interactions.  Love for others isn’t always a feeling, which is why I find scripture so amazing.  When the world would reduce loving others to some kind of cliché, scripture jumps in and gets to the nuts and bolts of how to behave.

 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV 

So I’m praying this week.  That I can use my sense of longing to build a home for myself and others, that alleviates the discord we are all sensing.  That being intentionally kind might undo some of the damage selfishness creates and that in serving others, our hearts may be lightened as we long for home.

xoxKaren

PS. Chickens next week, I've needed time to recover from my last farm visit.

Doggone it!! (repost 2012)

This dog looks nothing like my mother in law's.

Hello My Friend!

I am cleaning my garage!  I found a Costco sized bag of lemons that I misplaced somehow and now my storage space smells of rank citrus.  So I'm pulling out an old post from 6 years ago to keep us all company while I clean.  I was at the farm this week, so next week I will post another farm adventure.  Spoiler alert: holistic veterinary medicine.  IT WAS ALARMING. 

I do hope you are getting outside and enjoying time with those you love.

xoxKaren

************************************

I like to think I was holding it together fairly well until they called and asked for money to kill the dog.  The dog in question is a delightful fellow, a morbidly obese, epileptic, diabetic creature who was the apple of my mother in law’s eye.  Somehow, an extended family member phoning my husband in order to obtain funds to secure his canine brother’s inevitable demise, a mere four days after his mother’s funeral caught me by surprise.  What was more surprising was the volume at which the request was made and all the additional comments that adorned the twenty minute yell fest.   The net effect of the horrendous encounter was interesting.   Days later, I am still shaking my head.

There are seasons when life becomes very difficult.  Seasons when every time you turn around, another crisis descends and you are left feeling inadequate and perplexed.   My family has been fighting stormy weather for two years now.  The last 6 months have been some of the most difficult I have experienced in my 42 years on the planet.   It wasn’t the death of a precious family member that had me frightened this time, it was the bizarre behavior of family members I had known for years that had me reeling.

Disappointment is defined in the dictionary as, “the feelings of sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one's hopes or expectations.”    Unmet expectations are difficult to avoid if you are going to live on this planet with any success.  Sooner or later, we all must deal with disappointment.  It is one thing to have an unrealistic expectation of a person regardless of how self aware you might be.  It is another to have an expectation of basic decency dashed by those we care about.  

Following the example of the righteous through the ages, I shut myself in a bedroom in order to pray.  I was having a crisis and the best thing to do was to get Godly and seek the face of my Lord.  I would like to report that after 2 hours of prayer I was feeling cleansed and peaceful; except that would be a blatant lie.  It didn’t work.  I could not sit still.  The desire to jump in my car and accidentally on purpose run certain people over was too strong.  After five minutes, my attempt at Godly behavior failed and I jumped in the shower.  When the going gets tough, the tough get in the shower.  It wasn’t as righteous as my first attempt at finding peace of mind, but it would do in a pinch. 

Do you sing in the shower dear friend?  I don’t want to get too personal too quickly but it is proven fact that those who can sing loudly while naked live longer and happier lives than those who cannot.  Truth.  There is an art to singing in the shower.  You have to pace yourself and keep an eye on the hot water levels.  Because I was angry I started with a rousing chorus of”Highway to Hell” and swapped out all the “I’m” and “Satan” lyrics with the names of family members.  I was starting to feel better.  It was at that moment of smug and naked satisfaction that I felt a gentle nudge from the Lord.  It was as if He tapped on the shower curtain and said, “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money. ” I was suddenly aware that unless God moved powerfully, what I was singing was true.  Certain family members would be going to hell.  Their lack of loving behavior was a true indication of the condition of their hearts.  What vanity to take such a distressing situation personally. I stopped singing turned off the shower and returned to my room to pray.

Prayer came much easier this time.

8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11 For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. 12 So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you….
 16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Cor 4: 8-12, 16-18

Lord Jesus,
It is so easy to be overcome by the troubles and suffering you allow to knock on our door.  Have your way Lord and help me not to become the victim of anothers' unkindness.  I ask for the grace to see them as you do and to allow my emotions to drive me to prayer.  Forgive me Lord, where I want things to be easier.  I do not value the same things as you Jesus. 


Give us strength Lord Jesus, this road is hard.  Help us not to take offense and to fix our eyes on eternal things.  Remind me what the eternal things are Lord; I rarely remember to look up.  Help me to rejoice through tears, because you are still lovely.
Amen.

A Sure Foundation

When was the last time you wrote a letter?

I’d have to say my day improved immeasurably when I got home and turned my underpants around.  The trip to the store had been quick, yet surprisingly uncomfortable.  When I heard the front door click as my husband left for work, I decided to run to the store before the girls woke up.  Bumping around the bedroom, I grabbed my husband’s sweat shirt threw on knickers and a skirt, stepped into flip flops and jumped into the car.

The first indication something was horridly wrong came when I got out the car to grab a cart.  Sensing a strange imbalance in coverage, I hopped and wiggled hoping a quick shimmy would fix the problem.  It didn’t.  About that moment, standing in Fred’s, I came to full consciousness and realized what I had done.  There are dark moments in everyone’s life and I have to confess I was struck with a sense of hopelessness about my future.  Why had my creator made me so fearfully and wonderfully?  Was my entire life’s purpose to serve merely as a warning to others?*

My phone rang.

“Hey there!  I didn’t expect to get you this early.”  It was Judith, my friend in Victoria.  I’ve known her for about 25 years.  “I’m really glad I caught you.  What are you doing?”

“Well truthfully, I’m shopping for milk before the girls wake up.  I’m at the store and my skivvies are on backwards so I’m pretty uncomfortable and impressed with myself right now.”

Judith gave a few moments of respectful silence before she said, “I beg your pardon.” 

This was the point I wondered why I view relational transparency a virtue.  No idea why I shared, but I think it was because I figured she might be as impressed with my idiocy as I was.  I can’t explain myself; I’m just trying to survive.  The wise among us would leave this anecdote alone and not venture application lest something go awry in Christendom.  However, I would like you to bravely hold the ground of foundation garments while I run over to the next paragraph and tell you another story. 

I wrote a letter this week, to someone I like.  She has great hair but that isn’t why I wrote the letter.  I wrote the letter because her heart is burdened by a situation in her life and I wanted her to know I think she is amazing.  She is praying for a loved one who is in rebellion against everyone who breathes.  In order to be aesthetically pleasing I bought expensive paper with matching envelopes and even broke out my fountain pen.  As I wrote the letter, I was stuck by a sentence I penned in the middle of the note.  (A word to my pagan friends – I’m going to go hard core Christianese for a minute, bear with me.)

This was my sentence:

Being profoundly aware of sin, yet praying for Jesus’ mercy is such a victorious place to be.

My dear friend was crippled by the wrongdoing of her loved one and to every responsible step she knew how to take, she added prayer, yet she was feeling ineffective.  My point was, when you are overwhelmed by sin, praying to God for mercy is effective and a wise thing to do.  We believe that there is mercy for those who are aware they have done wrong; prayers of repentance are heard and accepted by God.  Without our repentance and God’s forgiveness through Jesus, it isn’t Christianity.  It is in fact, one of the foundations of our faith.

If repentance isn’t part of your faith walk, your foundation is off. 

Allegorically, if you know your knickers are on backwards you’re going to be uncomfortable until you get things straight.  Same with sin, distract yourself all you want: wiggle hop and shimmy but until you repent and get those things turned around, you’re going to be uncomfortable and that’s a good thing.  Sin is real.  Repentance is a gift.  Forgiveness is divine. 

So I’m praying for my friend with the winning theology and great hair. I’m praying for those of us who are uncomfortable and need to make some changes: for those who want to turn things around and need the gift of repentance and for all those who are in need of forgiveness.

I’m praying something major gets healed this week.

XoxKaren

PS.  It is Father’s Day!  This is not a Father’s Day entry.  Or maybe it is.  Call your Dad before the sun goes down if you can’t do that, draw a picture of him and post it on your fridge. 

*I wish that were mine but it’s on a demotivational poster at despair.com