No Substitute

The crucible of waiting, there is no substitute for the
lessons learned in the fire. 

I figured I was heading into a rough week when the cockatiel took a nose dive into the takeout.  In fairness, it wasn’t his fault.  A slip of a serving spoon and a quick jolt to catch it meant the little fellow was negotiating his rice allowance one moment and the next was knocked off his feet and slathered in a liberal amount of butter chicken sauce.  Few things are harder than catching a spooked, tandoori dipped bird as he runs across a carpet leaving little red foot mark stains.  Cockatiels can perform surprisingly complex evasive patterns for an animal with a brain the size of a popcorn kernel.  Movie night experienced an enforced intermission as I took him into the shower to get clean.  Tried to get him clean, I should clarify.  By the time I turned on the water he was pretty cross and more interested in sampling his feathers than cleaning them.  This left me, trying to direct the shower spray onto his tiny frame and dodging any of his attempts to run up my arm and hide his buttery body in my hair.   

Events like this leave me wary, so I started the week with caution: double checking emails before I sent them, reading and rereading my calendar to ensure I was on time to scheduled events. When I made it to Wednesday without any major feat of stupidity I felt relieved and let my guard down.  That was a mistake.

Wednesdays are busy days with classes to attend, people to visit and chairs to move.  The day crashes like a wave on a summer shoreline, filled with a kinetic energy that keeps me running.  Community life involves the sharing of information and sometimes, I get overwhelmed by the sheer amount of talking that is required to get through the day.  It is both enjoyable and exhausting which is why by 6:30 pm on a Wednesday you can generally find me taking a 40 minute power nap.   

This particular Wednesday however, I was determined to appear well balanced and helpful as I was meeting a substitute teacher who was stepping into afternoon classes for an absent teacher.  Memorizing the relevant emails, I was prepared to meet and introduce Mrs. Substitute to the minion children she would teach.  At the expected time, Mrs. Substitute climbed over sprawled children in the halls and made her way upstairs.  She was lovely.  Friendly and thoughtful, she quickly went over what she understood to be the plan for the afternoon.  She appeared to have the first class plan, but seemed to be missing the second class activities.  Filled with enthusiasm, good intentions and maniacal friendliness I explained the plan for the second class.  She asked a few questions about timing, seeming a bit perplexed.  I explained pulling up relevant emails and forwarding them as she seemed to be missing a bit of information.  Her mastery of the subject made for easy communication and soon we were both up to speed on the shape of the afternoon.  Feeling confident I had fulfilled my duties, I introduced her to her class and ran off to do other things.

An hour later I was back upstairs, introducing Mrs. Substitute to class 2.  The students were buzzing with energy but gracious as they greeted this new face.  As soon as everyone was in the correct room, I excused myself to running around and making molehills into mountains and back into molehills again.  It was a good afternoon. 

After class I found Mrs. Substitute and thanked her for her time.  She was smiling and genuinely seemed to have enjoyed her afternoon.  Have you ever noticed that some people excel when you throw them in the deep end?  There is a subset of people who seem to have mastery of the storms.  Overexcited students, lack of resources, nothing seems to phase them.  When they are working out of their gifting, they soar.  That was Mrs. Substitute that Wednesday.  I finished up my jobs and collapsed into the car.  My daughter drove us home, leaving me to answer a phone call that came in on the way.

It was Mrs. Absent Teacher checking in.  She had just chatted with Mrs. Substitute and wanted to see how things went.  She is sweet like that, taking the time to ensure that everyone survived in her absence.  I assured we were all accounted for.  I was feeling relieved until I heard her say one small phrase.  

“Pardon me?” I asked.  “You broke up a bit there, what did you say?”             

“I said, I didn’t expect Mrs. Substitute to stay for the second class, she wasn’t going to, but I’m glad she did.”                                                                  

“Ummm.  What do you mean she wasn’t going too exactly?” Panic started in my stomach.                                                                                                

“Just that,” she replied merrily “She wasn’t booked to stay for the second class but she did.”

In half of a second it all made sense.  Mrs. Substitute was sketchy on the plan for the second class because she wasn’t supposed to teach it.  The emails she didn’t receive weren’t sent to her.  In an instant I realized that I had roped poor Mrs. Substitute into staying and teaching a class she hadn’t anticipated teaching.  My patient explanations and email sharing was me assuming she was going to teach the second class.  Mrs. Substitute didn’t even bat an eye as I completely reworked her afternoon.  I expressed my dismay to Mrs. Absent teacher who reassured me the Lord was behind it all and that what had transpired was a good thing.  I bit my tongue and did not reply that I was getting tired of being the agent of idiocy behind His good works.  The rest of the drive home was filled with a fair amount of groaning and self-loathing.  The first thing I did when I got in the door was put on the kettle and penned an email to Mrs. Substitute apologizing for my general existence. 

I spent a bit of wondering if I overwhelmed Mrs. Substitute.  Useless introspection but it did get me thinking about my force of personality and considering the fact how we behave can affect those around us. She responded a few hours later with an entirely gracious email telling me not to worry and how much she enjoyed herself.  I fussed for a bit longer and then decided it was time to put away my embarrassment.  With the Lord’s mercy being new every morning, I couldn’t afford to hover over it for too long as I would probably do something daft the following day that would eclipse this event.

It actually made me thankful that God isn’t thrown off by my strong opinions or the force of my personality.  Mostly I’m thankful; other days I find this fact plain vexing.  If you have ever had to wait on the Lord, you will know instantly what I am talking about.  “Waiting on the Lord” is a Christianese term which roughly translates “I’m in an impossible situation that cannot be fixed without the Lord’s intervention.”  Implicit in the term is the fact that the Lord is taking far longer than anyone expected to turn the situation around.  For those with struggle with impatience, fear, anxiety or trust such situations are exceptionally difficult. 

I have made myself sick with worry over situations that I could not change as I waited for the Lord to intervene on my behalf.  Bible verses stating “fear not,” would mock me each morning I came to consciousness and remembered the situation before me.  Sick with dread is a familiar term to me and I have spent years of my life attempting to obey the words, “fear not.”  Yet no matter how I have cried, fasted, or begged God for deliverance, nothing I have done has been able to speed him up or to stop the work he does while I am waiting. I have a deep appreciation for the word crucible: a situation of severe trial, or in which different elements interact, leading to the creation of something new (google search, pathetic citation.)

If this is where you find yourself today my dear friend, might I remind you of something?  You might be using the force of your entire Christian self to get God to move on your behalf.  The act of waiting might bring you to such depths of fear you can barely see your way through.  My prayer is that you might understand that God is teaching you about his sovereignty and his goodness.  His intention is to burn away your fear and panic until what is left is something entirely new.  A peace that you did not expect, an understanding you did not have and a word of comfort you never knew.  God does not make us wait because he is unkind; he makes us wait because there is no substitution for the process of waiting on him, powerless and dependent.  It is in these fires we learn about his kindness, faithfulness and provision. 

If you are in the uncomfortable place of waiting on the Lord, I want to remind you that it is a good place.  His eye is upon you.  He hears your prayers.  He is by your bedside and sees the tears you cry. Do not think you have been abandoned.  You are just waiting.  

"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you."1 Peter 5:10 ESV 

xoxKaren

TULIP

Turned Upside-down Left In Pot

I think we were both confused, me because I couldn’t figure out what I was seeing and the plant bulb because all the blood probably rushed to its head somewhere around mid-December.  Medicine will tell you a person should not hang upside down for more than a few minutes but I have no idea how that applies to a tulip bulb that has been upside down for 3 months.  To my mind, he looked both perplexed and embarrassed. 

I know exactly when the poor fellow got turned catawampus though.  A couple of weeks before Christmas one of the squirrels in my hood ventured out of its nest to look for snacks and landed up on my porch; landed up on my porch and in my potted plants to be more exact.  The wee intruder left a trail of mischief that involved peanut shells, dirt and an upturned basket of flip-flops.  I swept up after the little monster and moved pots around so they would be less vulnerable if Mr. Squirrel returned.  I assumed it was a harmless peanut raid. However, I didn’t realize that Mr. Squirrel had dug up my spring bulbs and inverted a couple as he foraged for the peanuts he hid.    To my knowledge he didn’t come back, but that thinking is probably naïveté on my part.  The same naïveté coincidentally, that causes my girlfriend to swear her cats never walk on the kitchen counters when she isn’t home.  I’m not buying it; I saw that little beast licking a dinner plate above the dishwasher regardless of what she needs to believe to get by.  Satan cat probably also chews on her toothbrush when she isn’t looking. 

I gave the job of rescuing the bulb to my little, who heroically inverted the bulb and spoke to it in a very reassuring manner.  Its leaves look a bit worse for wear but we are expecting a full recovery.  Spring growth has a way of eclipsing the blemishes and imperfections of nature.  This first gardening adventure of the season got me thinking about unexpected things that spring up from the soil when the weather heats up.  Weeding isn’t my favorite task in the garden but I do it with some regularity.  I’m always surprised how quickly weeds grow and endlessly surprised as to where they come from.  Nature is filled with maniacal forces that sew weeds every way possible, causing a bumper crop of them regardless of my participation. 

Have you ever been surprised by what your actions have produced my friend, good or bad?  Have you ever watched one of your children behave with astonishing kindness and wondered what on earth you could have done right in raising them to produce such an act of grace?  Conversely, have you ever become so unglued that when you regained your sanity that you wondered what was going on the depths of your soul to cause such dysfunction? Or perhaps you are in a situation that isn’t as clear cut and you are like my tulip who was minding its own business when it got turned upside down by someone who intended evil against you.  When the situation warmed up you found yourself totally unable to rectify the situation. 

I have a dear friend who finds herself in exactly this situation today.  One moment she was walking in good faith with a “friend” and the next she was turned on her head by an astonishing act of selfish unkindness.  Without any warning, she was left exposed, looking foolish and without the resources or reserves to change her situation.  Kind of like my tulip.  It’s pretty hard to get your face out of the dirt and plant your feet when you lack arms, thumbs or any understanding of how you got messed over.   

My friend, if you find yourself in that place, can I encourage you today?  Your situation is known by God.  One of his names is El Roi which translates “the God who sees me.”  You can find the first usage of that name in Genesis 16 by a woman whose situation far exceeded her abilities to deliver herself.  Rest assured God knows the reality of your pain even more than you do.  He promises not to leave you, to take the evil used against you and to work it for your good. 

That might not be the answer you want.  You might want immediate deliverance. 

If I had preached this to myself a year ago, I would have screamed, “I’m not interested in God being with me, I just want to be delivered from this mess.”   I have cried myself to sleep countless nights, begging God to take away a situation he had no intention of removing until his faithfulness in the trial drowned out my fear of the trial.  It was a difficult time.    

So this week I am praying with this scripture in mind,

I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Psalm 34:4

If you find yourself in a situation that causes you to fear, might I remind you that God is interested in building your faith?  Actually, not interested, that word doesn’t even come close.  Invested, dedicated, committed, these words come closer.  Instead of praying not to be afraid, why not change it up a bit.  Ask to learn the lessons that are taught in times of suffering.  Pray for boldness.  Pray for courage. Pray for his peace. 

You will come through this season.  It will not last forever.  God sees you.  He is working on your behalf.  He is bigger than your fear.

xoxKaren

Humble Matters

Friend!

Has spring arrived?  We are finished with our snowpocalypse and moving into yet another peculiar weather pattern as temperatures head into the 70’s this week, which is well above normal.  I’m not the only one who is finding the weather strange, but the lure of warmer temperatures after that February, is going to stop a lot of complaints. That is if you don’t count the hummingbirds, who complain much more than a bunch of long nosed, feathered slips of nature should.  The spring warmth meant I could take down the lights I set up around their feeder to prevent their nectar from freezing.  However, they feel that my front porch has lost its cantina-party feel and they are a bit cross. Despite their annoyance, I put the lights away and used the extension cord to plug the fountain back in.  I did that for the frog who lives outside the bedroom window, but frankly I’m not certain he is still with us.  I haven’t heard him since late fall and I’m beginning to worry.  Tending to creation isn’t for the faint of heart.  When do frogs wake up, any idea? 

I would give you an update on the squirrels, but they are such monsters that they'll have to wait for next time.  Which brings me to more important things, are you well? I was trying to calculate how long it has been since you left and then I gave up.  I just know I miss you in the spring when we should be out walking.  I forgive you for abandoning me to the intoxicating call of pluff mud.  Mind you, an alligator in my back yard is would be tempting: I bet it cuts down on the number of squirrels you have to deal with.  

It’s not like I need creation to drive me round the bend, either.  I can do that by myself.  Did I tell you I have a new friend? Well, I like to think of it as a friendship; mostly I drive the poor woman crazy.  We both work at the schools’ welcome table, she before lunch hour and me the hour after.  Problem is, try as I might, I never get to the table on time.  I am always late and she is always covering for me.  Moreover, if I am going to do something stupid, it will happen in her presence.  It’s the craziest thing.  Have you ever had someone in your life who keeps witnessing your disorganization?  It is radically uncomfortable.  

Take the other day for example.  I was working upstairs when one of the littles knocked her bottle of juice across the carpet creating a puddle on the floor.  Fortunately she told me what happened, which meant we immediately became partners in a toxic spill situation.  I gave her permission to become my lead helper, despite her lack of hazmat suit and sent her to grab rags, while reminding myself that children’s feelings are far more important carpet stains.  I didn’t want to bite the poor things head off for putting juice on the floor.  Actually, I did want to bite her head off, but had the presence of mind to remember that Jesus probably didn’t bite children who spilled drinks.  Once that tempest-in-a-tea cup passed, I was asked to help with a furniture mix up that involved chairs and tables.  From furniture placement I ran into someone who needed help editing a document and reviewing a contract.  When I finally stopped moving and tried to figure out what was next, I realized it was 1:40 and I was 40 minutes late for my 50 minutes at the welcome table.  Screaming, I ran downstairs and presented myself, red-faced, to the woman to whom I am perpetually indebted.  I’ll call her Anne but her real name is Lois.  Anne laughed and shook her head, “It’s okay, I knew you would show up eventually.”  I was mortified and set myself to a ten minute apology, complete with promises of baking and dark chocolate reparations and then left the table to start the end of day clean up.  I felt horrible.  Being 5 minutes late to my shift was one thing, forgetting it entirely was another.  

It was such a busy day; I didn’t sit down until well after 7:00 that evening.  I sunk into a chair with my tea cup, kicked off my shoes and went to remove my earrings.  When I did, I realized my favorite earring had fallen out.  I had no idea where or when I lost it.  After a moment of panic, I summoned the strength to email the team and ask if anyone had turned in a silver earring at the welcome table.  Immediately, I got an email in response.  

Karen,

A silver earring was found near the table 4th hour.  I placed in the box in one of the bins.  It should be there on Monday,

Anne

Of course Anne had found what I lost!  During the 10 minutes I had been downstairs apologizing to Anne for being 40 minutes late, I managed to lose my earring in front of her, so she could find it, put it in the lost and found and hand it to me later.  It was absolutely mortifying.  I wrote her a note of thanks and prayed to Jesus that she would find me pathetic and worthy of mercy as opposed to entirely incompetent.  The following week I dutifully baked muffins and bought dark chocolate.  On Wednesday I handed her my guilt offering and received absolution for my existence.  I figured the worst was behind me; I would show up for the table on time from now on and prove my competence.  

My plan was in place 5 hours before things went wrong.  Remember that document I edited?  It was a list of student names to be checked to ensure the correct spelling for placement on a tee shirt.  There were quite a few mistakes actually and I was thrilled that we caught 5 misspelled names.  Sadly, there were 6 mistakes.  Guess whose name I missed?  Yep.  Anne’s son.  I got the mail that evening, letting me know of the mistake and asking if I could correct it.  It was gracious and kind and I felt like a humbled toad.  I figured I needed to have a “come to Jesus moment” about how the Lord was humbling me before I accidentally ran her over and killed her dog.  I wrote a note of apology and slunk into bed.

I was not winning.

Have you ever had something like that happen friend?   No matter how hard you try you keep messing up over and over again?  It can be downright demoralizing.  But it does teach a soul that grace in the face of error is a valuable commodity.  Grace might not be as trendy as self-righteous indignation when things go sideways, but its sure handy to have sewn grace when you are the twit who makes the mistake.  

So I’m praying for those of us who are slow learners.  Those who God has placed on the sidelines of safe communities, in order to humble us  so that we learn how to accept responsibility, apologize and make things right.  May the lessons we learn run deep into our hearts, be soaked in grace, and sprinkled with humor so that our lives might be changed to change others.

Change others for the better I mean.

Not like what I do to Anne…

That would be unkind.

Love you and miss you,

xoxKaren

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