When Dreams Die

The house was large: I don’t know many that sport a four car garage.   It stood in the shadow of a hill, on a quiet street in a beloved town.  With a price tag of over a million dollars, it was likely to sit silent a while longer.  The lot was empty when I last visited, the house a dream that had yet to be put on paper.  

Residents say the couple moved to their town in order to build their dream home.  Without any real information, speculation and conjecture roam freely.  It should be noted both are deleterious and destructive.  All that is certain is by the time the dream house was standing, the relationship behind it was razed to the ground.  Divorce and relocation followed and now the house sits empty waiting for new love to fuel new dreams.

We walked by in the twilight as the crickets began their evensong, the sprinklers providing percussive accompaniment.  The scene was beautiful but the sadness was overwhelming.  The dream was achieved but the relationship behind it was gone.  

Quotes about dreams are endless, some are poignant and others are pure bunk; google it if you want to invest/waste some time.  I am convinced that dreams are tied in part to relationships.  Though dreaming is a solitary activity, it takes the investment of others to achieve them.  It seems there must be a balance between the two.

Christianese is a peculiar language.  One for the phrases endlessly repeated is life with Jesus “is all about relationship.”  Though true, I find the phrase unhelpful at times.  When I’m in the emergency room, lost in a phone tree trying to pay a bill and waiting for a friend to arrive to take a child to co-op, I’m not always sure what my “relationship with Jesus” has to do with anything. Though when I consider dreams and relationships, my uncertainty diminishes.

Webster’s defines dreams as “an idea or vision that is created in your imagination and that is not real” or “something that you have wanted very much to do, be, or have for a long time.”  Most of the connotations are positive.  We are encouraged to spend our lives making our dreams a reality.  The self-help section is filled with publications on the subject. The notion of fulfilling your dreams and changing your life is popular.  Those who are blessed to see the fulfillment of a dream can experience an elation and satisfaction that is life changing.  It is a rich and rewarding experience.

Not all dreams however, are taken from our hearts and brought to fruition. Many dreams are cast upon the shores of providence and are washed in on a tide of disappointment.  Other dreams die slowly as time and resources are reallocated.  When loss and grief pierce the silver lining of a dream, what is a body to do?  

I’m not certain where in Christianity the monstrous lie of a perfect life starts.  Many believe it is a side effect of prosperous churches.  Somehow we are entrenched in the notion that if we behave properly and honor the Lord, disaster will keep its distance.  Sadly nothing could be farther from the heart of the gospel.  Yet insidiously the belief persists until the storm clouds gather.  When misfortune strikes, our relationship with the Lord becomes strained.  We are faced with endless questions regarding His care, concern and character.  We are faced with the death of a dream and a confused relationship.  It is a heart-wrenching place to be.  

Dear friend, if clouds are crossing your skies could I remind you about a few things about your relationship with your Creator?

He is not confused.  Your heart ache and frustration with him does not cause Him discouragement.  He understands it completely.  He is not angry.  You might be furious and done with Him.  He is not done with you.  His wrath has been satisfied through the cross.  He will shore up the lack you are experiencing. Though you do not know to maintain your relationship with Him, He will see you through, He will remain faithful.  

Your relationship with the Lord is eternal.  Scripture paints a picture in the 49th chapter of Isaiah, discussing Israel He writes, 

Can a mother forget the baby at her breast

and have no compassion on the child she has borne?

Though she may forget, I will not forget you!

See, I have engraved you on the palm of my hands;

your walls are ever before me.

Isaiah 49:15-16

This the heart behind God’s relationship with His people: eternal and unfailing.  His grace is given freely, His forgiveness is given endlessly and is love is given relentlessly.  

Dreams are born, change with time, and perish.  Much like homes they are built, renovated, and disassembled over time. Unlike a dream that exists for a season, His relationship with you lasts beyond the grave.  This foundation gives us the ability to hope and dream again.

I’m thinking of you this week,

xoxKaren

From Trash to Treasure

Objet d' art 

One of my most valuable possessions sits on my bathroom counter.  When I brush my teeth in the morning I catch sight of it and smile.  (No, it’s not my toothbrush charger.  And no, I still haven’t found it yet thank you for asking.) Given as a gift, wrapped in newspaper, my daughter sat beside me shaking with excitement until I opened it.  
“Do you like it mummy?” she asked, twirling around the room, blonde curls bouncing in every direction.  
“Absolutely,” I replied, bending down to kiss her little head. 
“It’s very special and I made it just for you.” She smiled at me conspiratorially, as if she had at last fulfilled an unmet desire.  Hopping sideways and grabbing her foot, she continued “You don’t have to share it.”  
“You are very thoughtful and I will not share it at all.  I will hide it in here and keep it all to myself.”  She giggled at my new found selfishness and hopped out of the room, misjudging the corner and bouncing off the door.  Her head missed the doorjamb by an inch and I winced reflexively.  Examining the treasure in my hands I was aware of two things.  One: I had no idea what this thing was and two: I loved it.  I thought some more.  Nope.  No closer to enlightenment.  Sitting with my objet d’art, I thanked the Lord for my creative little creature.

She showed her love of junk at an early age.  While other children played with dolls, my daughter would build imaginary worlds out of tin foil and thread.  Civilizations created out of paper drew water out of bottle cap wells that reached into the earth's core.  Rocks were mined with precision and lint cattle were corralled in yogurt containers that doubled sailing vessels.  When she was old enough to wield a glue gun there was no world that child could not conquer.  Childhood magic runs deep in her heart.

But while I wasn’t looking, something happened.  This child, master of rubbish and rubble started to create.  She acquired skill and resources, talent and treasures and I stand amazed.  What was little, fat and adorable became refined and beautiful.  I sit. I wonder.  I cry.  It happened without my doing.

As September rushes to embrace us, many parents are thinking about their once little people.  It is hard to accept they have grown.  We look at their faces and see shades of chubby cheeks and runny noses.  We recall their tantrums and triumphs, we wonder how they will do without us.  Behind the nostalgia lurks an anxiety, what about their brokenness?  Where will it take them?

We are told that the God sees us hidden in Christ. No amount of self-cleansing or atonement will make us acceptable to the Father, it is a gift bestowed to us by faith in Jesus the Messiah.  Yet as parents, faith in Jesus can dim when we look at our families.  This month is a trial for many who are launching their children.  It takes faith to let them go.  Their sin looms large in our minds and causes fear to rise.  Fear speaks loudly and drowns out the voice of the Father.  If your heart is aching for your child and your nerves are raw at the thought of launching them might I take a moment to speak to your heart?

Dearest Parent, what a job you have done with your child.  What success and trials you have known.  Did you ever believe you would make it this far?  I pray you would come to know God will continue to watch over your child.  That you would find peace knowing He loves your babe more than you do.  His plans for them are for good and growth.  He is not surprised by their weakness, He purposes to use it for their good and His glory.  I pray that Jesus would speak peace and joy to your heart as you learn anew to pray for your child.  That they would rise up and exceed your expectations and bring you joy.  May peace rest on your sore heart during this season.   

Summer has flown too quickly and I was thinking of how my children have grown.  In truth, I can’t spend much time on such thoughts without tears. Dear Friend stand with me, be strong and have faith.  There are good times ahead.  Your child will launch and there will be good fruit.  Beautiful things are yet to be created. Though parts of their heart are ugly and without form, God makes all things beautiful in His time.  I pray that we will have the faith to stand strong while sad, to sing loudly in the dark and await what the future holds. 

I’m praying for you this week,

xoxKaren

10 years later

Weak and Without Power

I was holding it together until the toaster fell on my head.  Moving isn’t easy at the best of times but with my husband away, I was feeling more than a little overwhelmed.  Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad if I hadn’t misplaced my electric toothbrush recharger.  Have you ever brushed your teeth with a dead sonicare?  The stupid thing had jumped into a box while I wasn’t looking and I had spent the better part of half an hour trying to catch a glimpse of it in the cardboard towers in my living room.  Flopping down in defeat resulted in a minor balance issue, which brought the toaster down with a crash.  About then, I decided I was being persecuted by the universe.  I curled up on the couch, the only piece of furniture left that was readily accessible, grabbed some tissue and had a cry.

Being able to move was actually a blessing, but at that moment it didn’t feel like it.  I was depleted in pretty much every area yet the demands didn’t stop.  Every morning there was a new list of problems to solve, errands to run and details to organize on top of the regular care and feeding of three offspring.  As I cried myself to sleep that night, I decided I would need to call friends for some help the next morning.  I lay on the couch, ice pack on my head and thought, “I’m done.  I cannot do this.  Maybe someone can help me find new momentum in the morning.  Otherwise this move is not going to happen.”

When I awoke, I peeled myself off the pleather groggily and sat up.  I took inventory of my person.  My head had stopped hurting but everything else ached.  I put on the kettle and phoned my prayer partner.  A genuine morning person, she wakes up an hour or two before I do.  When I’m in need she is a well spring of encouragement, when I’m grumpy I want to drown her in the well spring in order to tone her enthusiasm down a bit.   This morning I was in need and grumpy, so I found her equal parts encouraging and maddening.  Her zeal for my move well exceeded my own.  In truth, I wanted to God to sweep in from the heavens and send me magical moving angels.  She was all about me rising up and taking the kingdom one moving box at a time.  We drank tea, (she drank coffee) chatted and she prayed me up until I felt like I had the fortitude to face the next 12 hours.  

After the call I was in need of more reinforcement so I sat down in front of my concordance and looked up scriptures to do with strength.  I was sorely in need of some truth and didn’t even mind if it was applied out of context.  I started hunting.   Lest you think me spiritual, I will fill in some of the running commentary in my head while “meditating” on the word of God.

I can do all this through him who gives me strength. Phil 4:13 – Fabulous scripture but it just makes me mad.  I have a really bad attitude.  I don’t want to overcome, I want to be delivered.  This one makes me sit on the floor and pout.  Perhaps putting myself in time out is going to be necessary…

but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31 – Arrg!  I am fainting.  I am not an eagle.  I’m like a chicken with mange.  Can chickens get mange?  I’m too old for this, I’m not even standing let alone walking.  Dear Lord, what am I doing wrong?  Where did my faith go? I’m a carnal Christian I’m sure of it.  This is what I get for looking at birb and food subreddits.  I’ve lost my faith and am going to hell.

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Isaiah 40:29 – This is more like it.  There is still hope for me.  Weak.  That sums it up.  Thank you Lord that you don’t despise me in weakness.  Thank you that you have time for me when I’m such a toad.  Please help me today.  You got me through yesterday, you will do it again.  I’m sorry I’m looking at my feet when I should be looking at your face.  Please give grace.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Cor12:9-10 – Back to the weakness issue.  I do not like weakness.  I like looking good.  But that’s not an option.  Lord, I’m needing help.  Help slowing down and getting help.  Give me eyes to see your grace, and the grace to be thankful and accept it.

Two weeks out from my move, I am reviewing God’s faithfulness and the many ways he showed up when I was in deep need; tired, weak and overwhelmed. The truth of it is, even when I’m on my game, my best efforts are not enough to merit God’s grace and intervention.   God acts out of his love and kindness.  I’m deeply thankful to those who serve the Lord and who helped me through.  I guess I just want to testify…

Danielle: I reserved a 17 ft truck and you offered a 10 ft truck 30 miles away.  You are probably not evil.  You are good at making your company money.  When I picture you, I envision you with three heads.  I’m sorry for that.

Criff: Thank you first and foremost for being a foot and half taller than me.  Though I almost killed myself in your garage storage space trying to find the drop cloths, you packed the van and organized like a pro.  I would not have moved without your help.  Deep appreciation.

Darrell: You are one of the nicest people on the planet.  Do you help all your wife’s crazy friends?  Seriously.  I think we need to find you a hobby.  For being so easy going and kind, thank you.

Sara & Dennis: I don’t know anyone who would spend the last three hours before their holiday helping someone move.  You are truly wonderfully.  Such kindness. After spending time in your presence, I can rest assured my furniture has heard the gospel and is saved. 

Loises: I lack words.  If we were travelling with the Israelites in the desert, you would be the one battling the Midianite raiders.  Watching over the stragglers and the weak, your ministry is amazing.

Mara: My children bless your name.  They would have starved without you.  I hadn’t had a casserole in over 5 years.  Do I have to move to get another or can I bribe you?  Thank you friend.

Jana: For having the enthusiasm to go the extra mile.  You put the enegizer bunny to shame.  I am so proud of what you have become. E and L for spending your summer days with us.  Thank you, thank you, thank you. 

Selina: For actually remembering I was moving and coming by to help.  So very kind of you to spend your time that way.  Glad to be in your hood. 

Homeschooling teens:  Hardest working, strangest, and most fabulous work crew ever.  I watch your work ethic and it makes me so glad I have chosen to raise my girls with you. 

Girlies: You are amazing and I love you.  Good work.  May God grant you joy in your new home.

Husband: Even though you were absent for this one you funded the entire thing.  You are a very good man.  Next time, we pay someone else to do this.  Thank you for loving me.  Never go away again.  

I’m thankful Lord, for the many ways you blessed me during this last month.  Thank you for a new home, and friends.  For the lesson of being weak and watching your faithfulness as you shore up lack.  You are good and your mercy endures forever. 

And so I'm praying for you this week my friend.  That you too, would have eyes to see the ways in which the Lord loves you and provides in your weakness.  May He be proved strong this week. 

xoxKaren

P.S.  Did any one of the aforementioned amazing people see where my toothbrush charger went?  Let me know if you did, it’s still missing.